Each day I’m reminded of life as a meth addict. Last night I was reminded by just passing a street on the Metro. The street was Vermont and Santa Monica the place was a smallish motel that is infamous for meth and sex, you know one of the L shaped, 2 story, 24/7 places where we walk around, hang in rooms for a couple of hours get bored and go to another room, bring your works and don’t forget your dope, dope. Keep an I peeled too because you know how those addicts love to steal your dope, dope. The Coral Sands is similar to places that I’ve been in SF and PS. I’ve been to every sleazy, filthy, Korean owned, “nightly or weekly room for rent”, in some fabulous cities. You know those goddamn people, they sit behind the 3 inch thick Plexiglas and talk down to you cause you know they know that you are one twisted bitch, but hey I’m helping them retrieve their entire families from Korea, so they better chill with the attitude otherwise us druggies are going to start to party at Marriot. Hello room service could I please have an eight ball of methamphetamine to room 666, put it on my tab, don’t forget the ice!!!

Last time I blogged I spoke of the sex web sites I had been visiting that not only reminded me of what it was like out there but also got me a bit keyed up. I like getting all keyed up but it’s kind of senseless to get all jacked up by looking and not touching, I can’t touch that stuff cause I’ll go over the edge so…I stopped looking at those sites and my head is in a better place, I don’t fill up idle time looking at spun carnage any more, just for today, (I’ve been so programmed!!!). I really don’t need the help of web sites that promote, unsafe sex, PNP, meth, slamming, smallish motel rooms, unrecognized faces, empty thoughts, sadness, angst, psychosis, mania, cocks, humiliation… All those wonderful thoughts are embedded right here in my head and I have flash backs or will purposefully remind myself of a particularly nasty and amped sex scenario so I can ejaculate myself to sleep. Sad, but that’s what I do until the day when I have the will to change that “scenario” to something else, say less nasty and less drug induced and dare I say more humane, dare you ex-drug addict, dare. It’s hard to change those thoughts immediately. Those thoughts will change but since that is all I knew for 10 years it makes since that it is salient, sort of the primacy effect in effect.

All in all I’m doing pretty well, don’t you know. I’m on spring break until next Monday and then 1 ½ month of school left and then summer break. What a ride this has been, I’m doing great this semester and really enjoying being a college student. I’m reminded that just 17 months ago I was in one of “those” motel rooms feeling helpless, waiting for something, anything to happen and not having any control over my life.

Life is so fucking wonderful today.