Hello everyone in sobriety land. I’m studying at the library and the Oscars are happening, what has happened to me. Enough of the small talk, this has been the longest accumulated clean time since 1998. Fucked up for close to a decade and now clean since Oct. 5, 2005. I’m not bored, but have started to check out the men on line. This is probably one of the most dangerous places for me to be and that is why I would like to address this phenomena.
It used to my ritual go on line and hook-up and use. I was driven by a sexual addiction that was insatiable, couple that with methamphetamine and you have a big dilated hole that can’t fall asleep. So I went online to check things out about a week ago, I have been horny/lonely the last month and need a resource to fulfill these needs, going to the internet to fulfill a relational issue is kinda...lame. So I go online and check out who’s on line in LA and in Palm Springs (which was my old meth stomping ground). Same stuff out there, different year, same guys still pnp’ing in the desert and as I look at their big fat personalities I’m thinking oh wasn’t that fun, ooh wouldn’t that be hot…hold on wait a minute you crazed cranked cretin. Ok, go through the process tell yourself why it’s not HOT, count down how many times those encounters were more humiliating than sexy, how many of those times were so freaking scary, guys having meth psychosis…including me, how it took so much out of me, how I came so close to getting arrested, how the depression was so utterly morbid and sad, how I could sit and stand by the window looking out side for too many hours waiting for a dealer who never came. The days after a run, I go into a 3-5 day coma and then walk up to a person who I never recognized, beaten, sad, hopeless and desperate…the only way out was to use again. So what do I do about this desire to be close to someone, maybe even have sex, and maybe date? I must do it differently and instead of playing a passive role in the area of relationships I need to put myself out there as a clean HIV positive man looking for a date. OeyVey the complications, which will not get any less complicated. I must say that it (internet sex surfing) had a different impact on me this time. I’m rewired but also know that the more I tease myself with the possibilities the less confident I become about my life. This is just another chapter of the long term process, stuff comes up and I need to decide to take action, no-action is really denial. Love you all. Back to studies.