Here I sit in Philosophy lecture, Tuesday at 1PM. The professor is arrogant, pompous, self absorbed; he will pace back and forth and talks of mad pain and Martian’s pain. I am in so much pain just listening to him but you would never now it. I thought this class would be interesting, free will, behaviorism, Aristotle and it turns out that my expectations were wrong – again (cynical, cynical, cynical). Philosophy reminds me a lot of Politics, you know the double talk saying a lot but ultimately not saying a goddamn thing. I’m all about critical thought but please let it make some since in which I really care. Clearly I need to take classes that I really have tons of interest in like my Psych classes which I run to with enthusiasm. I get to complain about an obnoxious professor who is talking about functionalism but just a year and a half ago I couldn’t function. I was tweaked, sad, depressed, angry and looking for dope and not knowing if I would ever get clean. I now sit in the halls of a great University and at times wonder, would I be here if I had not gone through self annihilation, drug addiction, sero-converting to HIV, hanging with guys who were so slammed that it appeared they were schizophrenic. I thank the Universe for protecting me from that state of being; I was very close to getting there. The question remains, would I be sitting here in this incredible situation if I had not gone through what I had gone through. The answer is NO. The explanation is not simple but it’s all about, being so willing to kick start a life that really needed a boot and dare I say (dare bitch dare) the universe working in my direction. It also kind of helped that I was on disability; private schools are kind of expensive and… that’s another story. Top of the list here is my willingness to do anything different that would give me direction. Willingness and desperation are inter-changeable here. I was desperate to change a life that was going 6 feet under, I wanted to live and I knew that. I kept going back to AA meetings after relapsing over and over because I wanted to live. I was willing to put myself through all that stuff because Life rocks right now. I did not know 2 years ago that life would rock but I held out that it could be better. Somehow I knew it would be better. Lecture is over, love you all.