I just completed my first week at school. I am a 50 year old man who is returning to a University that I left 28 years ago. I did not graduate in 1978 because of was in the throws of two illnesses, one being Alcoholism and the other, Epilepsy. My alcoholism was so severe I started to have seizures because of my abuse, an anecdotal diagnosis but one that makes so much since to me now. I have not blogged in some time because I had some upheaval in my life, my beloved Mother passed away a week and a half ago. I visited her in hospice and she hung in there for many days without food or water. Her heart is so strong it just kept going and going. She was so proud of me for going back to school. I will miss her kindness and friendship. I was walking through campus last week, there were families helping their children move in and saying their goodbyes. I remembered my Mother and I being here 28 years ago and also going through that milestone with her. Now I get to complete what I started and open a new chapter.
This school has changed since I was here last, this private school has always had a stigma for being the school of the rich, USC is an acronym for University of Spoiled Children (I hear this now and I heard then). Things have changed. USC is ranked 27th nationally by Times and Princeton Review. It has 10 programs that are ranked in the top 10 nationally. The reason I bring this up is to elucidate how wrong that stigma has become over the years and how incredibly rigorous the programs are. That being said, I walk into classes with kids that are fucking brilliant. I sit dumbfounded at the competency of the questioning, the articulation of statements and their ideas. Being a true alcoholic and addict I feel that I will never measure up to these fresh young souls whose grey matter has not been put on hold for 30 years. Hurdle number 1: Get over the idea that I need to measure up to anyone but me, learn how to study more efficiently, be really aware of time management and own that seat, “I” paid for it, enjoy my fellow students, the ones I have met so far are awesome and I look forward to getting to know many more. Doing the next indicated step as my sponsor tells me.
I live in a Craftsmen style Mansion in a historic district very close to school. I have seven housemates, six women, and two guys. All are in graduate school, three musicians, one opera singer, two in Education and me the Undergraduate. I could not have asked for a better group of people who have made me feel at home and comfortable. With some major financial difficulty and moving issues behind me I have ended up in a great place, no financial worries for awhile, interesting classes lined up to provoke the best in me and at peace for right now. Well with everything going my way, I recently had a person tell me that I had better not fuck up all this good fortune. Good God I hated to hear that, I felt it was insensitive and down right mean spirited. I do not want to fuck up the opportunity that I have worked so hard to get. Alcoholics and addicts fuck things up its part of our character when using. So why is that statement so unbearable to hear? It is frightening to hear because it happens and I have fucked things up in the past. As a recovering person I get to live my past through others eyes. Today I wish to shut the door on my past, focus on the now, plan, and have goals. In the “program,” we are told we should not be ashamed of our past, that we should not shut the door on it, well I beg to differ. If I take care of my past through reconciliations, amends and prayer I do not think I need to revisit a place that was so desperate and sad. I am reminded of that sadness on my own and I do not need other peoples help to revisit that place. Can we all just be friends? Happy to be back on Sobering Thought. Talk to you soon.