Today I finally got news from the university that my appeal had been approved and award letters are on there way. This was significant and I worked hard to get to this point, I have been waiting and waiting, stressing myself out, chewing my fingernails to the quick (?). I have been going through so much self-doubt that there were days when I truly believed I would not attend this university and that would be that. During the last month, I can hear my head say, “no matter what happens it’s all going to be ok, you’ll be ok, and you’ll move on”. Does this sound like self-fulfilling prophecy, damn straights it does. Then my head would start into the, “see their you go not allowing the universe to take over, I’ve done the footwork and now it’s up to the Big Guy”. I have a great deal so far in fulfilling an important goal of mine, why am I not overwhelmed and jumping for joy?
I think I am not in mania mode because I am burnt out from my process. Now the reality kicks in as well. How will I do, will I be a good student, am I too fucking old to be going back to a university that I attended 30 years ago. I was on campus today and needed to take care of business, seeing academic advisors, assistant dean, degree progress people, and financial aid. All the while every time I introduce myself to someone new, they think I am the parent of the student. There is a point to all of this, when in doubt play to my strengths which would be humor, and the other write it down or talk about it. One of my strengths as of late has been to journal and through this I get to process. As you can see I haven’t yet mastered processing but at least I’m doing something with it. I actually feel better right now, than I did before I started writing this down.
Self-doubt sucks and creates monsters. I have been known to flee when in the throws of self-doubt. Today I sit down and write, this is a big change for someone who was using crystal meth ten months ago. That being said, I have no desire to use today. Also, it is miraculous that I’ve been accepted into a great university because just 10 months ago I was ashamed, sick, paranoid and twisted. I’m grateful for this opportunity.