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Sobering Thought

An Online Community for Substance Addicts

Love is a drug- period.

Submitted by amymarie on Fri, 07/07/2006 - 09:36.

Today I am numb. I am afraid to feel what is brewing inside. I met and fell into someone before I was in a safe place internally to do so. I met someone and lied to him. I met him and led him to believe that my recovery path was much more advanced than it really was. I relapsed 3 weeks ago because my life was unmanagable. And to ease my pain I began obsessing over lots of things- but mainly him.

He works a really wonderful program of recovery. He sticks to his guns- I do not. I fail miserably at change. I continuously give away then take back. I have never known a moment in life where I was without a partner. Someone always telling me they love me, and me always returning the endearment- but never meaning it. I don't love myself- I do more now than ever, but it isn't enough to be able to share it with someone. So my sponsor "suggested" I break things off...and I did. And he was in pain and I was in pain and it was wretched. So I tried to take it back....he said NO.

He sticks to those guns of his because he wants a clean life. He sticks to those guns because he loves himself in a way that makes me envious. He sticks to those guns because he truly loves me in a way that I have never known. He set me free to grow, and sacrificed his own desires- and because of that I know I love him so much more. I don't know how to love, but what a good start in learning with him.

I know this pain will subside. We are not talking very often and I am not allowed to text or email or call or private message PERIOD. And this is hard. My ego and my disease try to run my show. I am constantly reminded that I am a sick sick person. If I do this recovery thing the way I know I need to, I will be (and already am) just where I am supposed to be....

There are so many changes taking place and I love\hate them...

but today I am clean. And today I don't want to use drugs or LOVE to make it go away.

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