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Sobering Thought

An Online Community for Substance Addicts


Submitted by brady on Fri, 02/03/2006 - 13:59.

What inspires me to make the choice everyday to not use crystal meth? Today, it was the walk I had with my mom up in Napa. We walked after of course watching Regis and Kelly & The View. Our conversation topics
ranged from: (1) The results of our favorite show last night – Project Runway, (2) my job search, (3) my excitement of finishing my documentary and (4) how great
it feels to have a second/third/fourth chance at life.

I have this joke with my friends and family about how I’m living just a “normal” or “boring” life. In comparison to the long tweaker binges that I would go on in the past. The instant gratification felt so good, especially when I was feeling depressed, lonely, desiring the need to be intimate with another hot guy looking for the same type of connection. Believe me, just because I stopped using meth, doesn’t mean all those feelings and desires are gone, they are even greater.

I would rather be sitting in the unknown of when I’ll feel intimate with another man then to be in the same cycle of getting high and then facing the coming down process. The coming down process just increases the feelings that were there prior to getting high – now a hundred times greater. My depression has gotten a bit better over the last 8 months. With the help of anti-depressants/anxiety (sorry Tom Cruise) medications, eating breakfast everyday, laughing, writing and exercising.

But let’s be honest. The cravings are still there – on certain days – certain moments. It’s my choice to not get back into the dark side of my path. When the urge comes up to use – I think of one of my last hook-ups – and how it wasn’t fun. Shooting up was fun for about 20 minutes, then the paranoid feelings start to merge into my reality – I’m then trying to escape that dark place I’ve been so many thousand times before.

If that visualization doesn’t work and I’m still craving the pipe of meth – I’ll (sorry mom) jerk off and then find those feelings less intrusive – less impulsive.

Today, I’m choosing to sit with my feelings of loneliness.

Knowing that they will decrease in their intensity over time. Which is much less on the scale of intensity when you think of the intensity it takes to come down after shooting a huge syringe of meth.

It’s all about the choices we make. It will either move you forward or keep you in the same place.

I choose today to move forward.

- Brady

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