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amymarie's blog

Cleaning this house

Submitted by amymarie on Fri, 07/14/2006 - 10:28.

Well I am staring face to face my problems that have always just "been" a part of me. Things I never realized I could change. The things about me that I blamed on you and you and you. Now I have custody of them and there is nothing to do but change...slowly.

I like to be a perfectionist(I have just realized) and I am trying to "fix" all of my broken traits right now...*snap*. So I am going to try to not be that perfectionist today and just work on one thing at a time, one day at a time.

And it really does get better

Submitted by amymarie on Mon, 07/10/2006 - 07:43.

So as I previously stated, Love is a drug...
But yesterday I took the advice (or suggestions rather) of my friends and my sponsor and I didn't call or text or have any contact...and guess what!
I didn't die. In fact I found productive activities (service work and meetings etc) to fill my time. I really didn't think it would be so easy, but in fact it was.

I feel wonderful today. I feel hopeful that I will learn new behaviors and continue to stay clean and learn to stay centered. It will take time, but I have that. I have plenty of that.

Love is a drug- period.

Submitted by amymarie on Fri, 07/07/2006 - 09:36.

Today I am numb. I am afraid to feel what is brewing inside. I met and fell into someone before I was in a safe place internally to do so. I met someone and lied to him. I met him and led him to believe that my recovery path was much more advanced than it really was. I relapsed 3 weeks ago because my life was unmanagable. And to ease my pain I began obsessing over lots of things- but mainly him.

Tick Tock...

Submitted by amymarie on Fri, 06/02/2006 - 09:19.

I hate waiting for something good to happen...When I plan an event time seems to drip by...
I know I should fill that space in between with life, but man when I want what I want, I want it now.
I am going to Mississippi for an NA river float next weekend and will get to spend time with my sweetie. He lives in Louisiana and I live in Texas- so it is quite the trip. He will also be meeting my children on this trip so there is even more reason to anticipate.

feeling again

Submitted by amymarie on Thu, 06/01/2006 - 11:17.

I have not used drugs in quite awhile...since September 5 2005...but I have substituted with many other obsessions. Now I am working some steps in NA, hanging out with some clean people and moving my life forward and DAMN it feels good.
I am in love...
not just with another person (although I truly truly am), but with myself as well...
It is new, it is positive and it is clean and pure. I don't know of a time in my life when I could push through bad times and still feel happy during it...but today I can and I do...


Submitted by amymarie on Thu, 06/01/2006 - 10:49.

It is raining and the thunder is deafening- funny that I feel alive when this weather comes to town. It used to be a good reason to get messed up, but now it seems to be a good reason to not.
I am new here and feel a little insecure, but I am assuming it'll pass just like all the other messed up upside down thinking eventual change.
I have forced myself to write outloud here and it feels pretty good.

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