This summer has been eventful, exciting, hectic and lonely for me. School starts in just two weeks and I have completed my projects for my summer internship. During Spring Semester I had a Psychology professor who taught my Interpersonal Relations Class. She told us of her work with HIV patients in Africa and her many research projects which are intervention related, she sounded like an amazing woman. Mid-semester I had asked her if she any available internships for the summer – she did and I got the job. I have learned so much about the research machine, CDC funding, prevention, and interventions. I feel so blessed to have been given this opportunity and the potential for further work with this woman and her team of public health specialist, social workers and other psychologists. One of the many jobs I was given was to create and design learning handouts which will be used for the pilot of the her pet project, I got to figure out how to use MS Publisher, quite proficiently if I do say so myself and my Documents will be used for publication. This really is a great CV piece and hopefully will be of benefit getting me into the graduate school of my dreams. Not to get too ahead of myself but I will be applying for graduate school this winter and will be looking to get my masters in social work. But I have yet to finish my BA so I won’t go too far over the edge.

Hey boys and girls in drugland and Hollywood, sober and clean, stoned and freaky, drunk and sloppy, wiggin’ and tweaked, plastered and tipsy, g-holed and passed out. My name is Stan and I have been clean from methamphetamine for over one year and six months. Exciting news for sure but what I’m even more excited about this moment: today was the last day of classes. Who would have thunk; just two and a half years ago I had no direction, purposeless, defeated, depressed and fried. Today I have finished a rigorous year of studies and have survived. I think part of my enthusiasm is part because of have this goal or objective in my life, secondly I get to challenge myself with classes and get rewarded for my hard work. When I was using crystal a standard line of mine was how bored I was, well it’s really hard to be bored when I have something challenging going on, although I was stressed on numerous occasions it was manageable.

I would like to share about the power of forgiveness and how it has impacted my life. About five years ago I moved to Palm Springs with one of my closest friends, we had been through a lot together, his break up from a lover, my addiction, our neediness for purpose and direction, we had much in common, it was a relationship built on laughter, and the dream of getting on the right path. So, just imagine the opening scene of this adventure, we’re packing and loading a rental truck at my small SF apartment. I lived on one of those small streets stuck inside SOMA, SF and within walking distance to the Loading Dock. My new roomie/old friend and I would finish loading that night and would leave for PS the next morning. There was a potential problem looming, my absolute fear of upheaval, leaving “home”, starting over without a real plan.

Each day I’m reminded of life as a meth addict. Last night I was reminded by just passing a street on the Metro. The street was Vermont and Santa Monica the place was a smallish motel that is infamous for meth and sex, you know one of the L shaped, 2 story, 24/7 places where we walk around, hang in rooms for a couple of hours get bored and go to another room, bring your works and don’t forget your dope, dope. Keep an I peeled too because you know how those addicts love to steal your dope, dope. The Coral Sands is similar to places that I’ve been in SF and PS. I’ve been to every sleazy, filthy, Korean owned, “nightly or weekly room for rent”, in some fabulous cities. You know those goddamn people, they sit behind the 3 inch thick Plexiglas and talk down to you cause you know they know that you are one twisted bitch, but hey I’m helping them retrieve their entire families from Korea, so they better chill with the attitude otherwise us druggies are going to start to party at Marriot. Hello room service could I please have an eight ball of methamphetamine to room 666, put it on my tab, don’t forget the ice!!!

Hello everyone in sobriety land. I’m studying at the library and the Oscars are happening, what has happened to me. Enough of the small talk, this has been the longest accumulated clean time since 1998. Fucked up for close to a decade and now clean since Oct. 5, 2005. I’m not bored, but have started to check out the men on line. This is probably one of the most dangerous places for me to be and that is why I would like to address this phenomena.

One year, four months and fifteen days clean from methamphetamine. I started my 2nd semester just 2 weeks ago and am challenged daily in classes and by myself. I want to talk about how to make amends to people that I have harmed, stolen from, lied to, abandoned, insulted…hope you get the idea. The idea of making amends is really a cornerstone of the 12 steps program, which I love to hate and hate to love.

I just got back from a Crystal Meth Anonymous (CMA) meeting. There were probably 100 people at this Monday night meeting being held on the 1st day of the New Year. What can I say I was craving a meeting; it sure is a lot different than craving a blast or rig. It was a “beginners meeting” and the format has 4 people who have less than 6 months clean talk about their experience, strength and hope.

One semester down and three to go. I now know why a lot of people looked at me with that *areyoufuckingcrazy* look when I told them I was going back to school at fifty years old. I’ve been stressed out during my finals weeks and also got to watch a lot of kids who were are also stressed out and sometimes for some very rigid reasons. How about the girl who was so stressed because she would get a B, - 3 A’s and 1 B, whoa, scary right? When she told me I started to laugh, not a helpful response to give someone who’s whole world from day one consisted of getting into the right university.

****Hot, masculine white dude, 42 YO. PNP for days. Tall, lean, nasty white guy looking to hook up with hot white guys into water sports, amped raunchy and slamming.**** This was the flavor of the sex ads I would post just a year and a half ago.
This was written at a time when I was Hiiiiiiiiiii. First of all let’s look at “hot and masculine”, I see Russell Crowe or Hugh Jackman not milk toast Mary. I need to be a little self deprecating here because when looking back at these ads I find myself amazed at the deception. I sold myself 6 years younger, even when I was 39 I published 33, I thought I could get away with it, nobody ever called me on it – to my face. Most of it deceit, an infinitesimal amount was true and all of it was for one purpose, to get high on meth and maybe if our crystal dicks worked - get off. There were many times when guys would come over and it was a different person than their picture portrayed. Can you imagine the dishonesty that unfolds in land of the internet? If the person who showed up was “doable” then I didn’t question the validity of the picture – who cares but hey, why didn’t you use your own photo your kind of hot?

Here I sit in Philosophy lecture, Tuesday at 1PM. The professor is arrogant, pompous, self absorbed; he will pace back and forth and talks of mad pain and Martian’s pain. I am in so much pain just listening to him but you would never now it. I thought this class would be interesting, free will, behaviorism, Aristotle and it turns out that my expectations were wrong – again (cynical, cynical, cynical).